Campaign Tale

If you haven't already seen this, you should. Its perfect if you love to watch young children being exploited for political gain, while advocating an agenda they couldn't possibly understand.

Case and point, this little girl. We first see her sleeping in bed, in the storybook land which Samuel Jackson reads to the audience. Abruptly, she wakes, shooting out of her bed. Breathing rapidly, she appears to have been startled by something - a realization - suddenly, it is clear to her, that she has to get up right now, right this very moment, and tell everyone around her why its important that they vote for Obama in the upcoming election! And in such detail.

Standing in the hallway across the room, "The election is coming up soon," she says to her parents, who are falling asleep at the television. (You know, its funny - first time all I heard was "REDRUM." Seriously, if my 8 to 9-year-old is popping out of a dead sleep in the middle of the night to come to me to discuss politics with urgency, that's a red flag - call your priest, light some candles, hogtie and put a ring of salt around her, whatever you gotta do.)

This political ad continues with Mr. Jackson magically appearing in the living room, in front of the parents, as if he had popped out of the television, which is now off.

Ignoring the subliminal hand symbols he flashes, Sammy Li'l J. is pissing me off anyways - Go-Go Gadget Black Actor in a Cool Hat Here to Rap with Everybody! Works every time...

In a rhyming manner and storybook meter, he tells us a tale of why voting for Mitt Romney kills puppies and voting for Obama cures cancer.

The rest of the video follows in a way in which every moment is equally cringe-worthy. The older brother who says, "All politicians are the same" is quickly corrected by the politically savvy child. And, here's the realistic part... he doesn't retort! I can't imagine a 17-year-old boy, discovering why our society's fucked, smart-mouthed by his kid sister with snappy, rehearsed political rhetoric, and responds. You'd be hard-pressed to find that sun'bitch, I tell you what.

Since little Suzy can't get through to her brother, she goes to her older sister, to tell her that Romney wants to ban Planned Parenthood. That's right, Ashley. Romney wants to take away your birth control and abortions so you don't get to be a slut. Vote Obama so you can go yoloing. (In before the Million Mom March is up my ass. It's called aud-i-ence dem-o-graph-ics: I don't enforce it, I just point it out.)

And let's not forget the old couple about to get between the sheets - knock, knock! ... GRANDMA, GRANDPA! I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW ABOUT THE UPCOMING ELECTION... Can that wait, honey?" ...NO! *poof* ...and Samuel Jackson is in the middle of a geriatric love sandwich.

Surprise, bitch! Now wake the fuck up!

At nearly four minutes long, this abomination is more of a propaganda-infused music video than a simple political ad. Part of me doesn't even want to acknowledge the existence this video, but the other part of me is seething, and sometimes that part just wins. So, for your reading pleasure, here is my rendition of this crapfest:

Once upon a time in a land that's quite near

Lived a nation of people ruled over by fear.

A two-party system that would only ever prove:

No one sees the right hand when its the left one that moves.

Every four years they'd see ruthless campaigning,

All the while still both sides complaining.

And they both knew a trick that would keep them afloat -

The illusion of choice simply masked with a vote.

Neither side had in mind the interest of the people,

To both it was all money, power and evil.

But even still, they made them choose sides.

Further and further did the people divide.

Until one fine day, the people had enough!

They knew that their life needed not be so rough.

And when election day came they all stayed home,

"If we don't vote, maybe they'll LEAVE US ALONE."

The grand scheming plan of the government bust -

The gears all came loose and the pistons all rust.

Not prepared for resistance - what the next step be?

And as they hesitated, the people were truly set free.

So next time the pundits are making a fuss,

Touting and telling us who to distrust,

Think of all the ways in which we can defeat -

We can't be controlled if we don't feed the beast.

********

And for you, the reader, a bonus you'll enjoy most,

The comment rejected by Huffington Post:

Tell Samuel L. Jackson that we're not impressed,

Your career is over and you're badly dressed.

We're not falling for this political stuff,

Now please go away and shut the fuck up!