Wednesday, January 2, 2013

It's the thought that counts...

They say that it's the thought that counts.

....BUT WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?

It's my daughter's first Christmas and birthday, so she has been receiving gifts from our out-of-state relatives.

Most of the toys that were sent have been deemed inappropriate.

I'm not one to be ungrateful for receiving gifts, but I'd really like to know what would make somebody think that this is okay for ...anybody.

This thing looks like its about to consume your soul. The box says it "giggles", but I assure you it actually cackles. The box also advertises that it is "baby safe" - which really isn't a selling point if it haunts your daughter's dreams until she is 12.

It has a five-head, and looks like it hovers over your bed while you sleep at night. Fortunately, Goldberger offers a money-back guarantee. So we'll be taking advantage of that.

We also have this little gem -

Even if I lacked the judgement to not allow my daughter to play with a toy voiced by a man who allegedly molested a dozen children, I still don't think I would let her play with a toy that is physically ill.

I want my daughter to be happy and healthy, not constantly coming down with a cold because she has a toy that sneezes. Who the fuck came up with this? Did Alister Crowley design children's toys between rituals?

Speaking of Satan, we also received this:


I wouldn't even complain if we hadn't specifically told them, over and over "NO DISNEY." But when the gift is included with a note that says "I couldn't resist!" (read: "Fuck you!"), I just can't help but think that we shouldn't have said anything at all.

This gift came from a family member who loves Disney. But we don't. It's creepy, it's soulless, and I don't fucking want it in our house or in our lives. They know this. So I wonder if it occurs to them they they are wasting their money?

I don't know what would be wrong with sending a regular goddamned stuffed animal. Just a regular fucking toy. No sneezing, no soul-sucking eyes - just a cute little animal that isn't branded with a multimillion dollar corporation.

Or, not sending a toy at all. She doesn't need any more toys. She can barely stand up in her playpen she has so many toys. Right now, she is entertaining herself with a little paper box that a bottle of Aleve came in. She needs diapers, and baby food. Not dolls.

So while we drive around Albuquerque today, returning these - items - I will remember that it is the thought that counts - and our family is brain-dead.

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